Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Thoughts on being 30

A few years before my 30th birthday
I don't like it.


It feels funny not to be in the same decade anymore.  I spent 10 years in my twenties (that's how math works).  I was just a teeny tiny baby when I turned 20 ten years go.  It feels sooooooo long ago.  And also, wasn't that just yesterday?

I can still remember my first apartment.   It was cramped and expensive but exhilarating.
I can still remember my boyfriend.  He's my husband now.
I can still remember my cell phone.  It did not have Instagram.
I can still remember being nervous about no longer being a teenager.  Youth is wasted on the young.
I can still remember my perfume.  DKNY Be Delicious.  A little too sweet for me these days.
I can still remember my style.  Too many high heels.  I'm sorry feet.

And yes, I'll admit that whenever I heard that someone was 30, it always sounded so far away.  And so old.  How cliche.

In the last few years I've come to sort of dread my birthday.  Well maybe not dread.  But avoid.  Ignore.  Downplay.  And it's isn't so much because I dislike getting older.  Because I don't.  Getting older means I'm doing it right.  I'm successfully aging in the correct direction.  But I'm a creature of habit.  Habit soothes me.  It comforts me.  And birthdays and other milestones disrupt my habit.  It forces me to stop and think (ugh).  I always have this nagging feeling that a birthday is supposed to be an event.  It should feel meaningful.  I should walk away feeling wiser or some garbage.  And the day doesn't live up to my own expectations so I'm left feeling like I did it wrong.  Or some garbage.

Just to re-iterate:  I feel like I celebrate my own birthdays wrong.  Yes, I understand how ridiculous that sounds.

And 30 is a milestone.  It's all too much to handle!  Too much pressure to enjoy myself and age gracefully.  Maybe I just want it to feel like an ok day and age somewhat gracefully with the occasional stumble.

That's ok, right?  Ok.

So today, my 30th birthday, will be spent drinking tea for breakfast, catching up on my fave YouTube beauty channels, going for a loooonnnng walk (in the 30 degree weather no less), perhaps taking a gander at Ulta's current offerings, and spending the evening with my family.  Doing normal things.  No milestones.  No expectations.  Just the way I need it.
And no high heels.  (I'm sorry feet).

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